All these thoughts about her and mostly my grandpa, I remember a conversation with a co-worker and my grandma’s preacher’s wife (the same person). She told me instead of thinking about all the reasons why I don’t get along with grandma think of all the good times when we got along. That’s what’s has me up till after 2 am. The numerous happy memories with my grandma. She wasn’t the evil wench that I thought she was as a teen nor the trouble maker as some in our community used to say. The little 5 foot woman who taught me how to bake and make fried eggs on an electric griddle. She complimented me for not getting burned at the camper (though she knew I NEVER burned even after being in the sun for hours).
All this reminiscing, reminds me of a saying “it takes a village to raise a child.” I had a village: 4 grandparents, and 8 aunts and uncles (not including spouses or girl/boyfriends). I miss my village. I feel that my kids are missing out by not having a village. They need a village.
I know before I can plan out my future and where to go from here; I need to fix my past. I need to fix my relationships with my grandmother and probably my father. I’m sure many more family members, but one person at a time. I also have to come to terms with my grandfather’s death, which happened almost 3 years ago but I still cry like a baby at the mention of his name let alone anything else. I’m sure it’s not healthy that I haven’t been back to his gravesite since his funeral. The reason is because then his death will be real. I don’t want it to be. He was my wisest elder who kept my other elder in line. Now, I only have 3 elders (though it feels like I only have 2). Now, my only debate is whether I should call my grandmother and speak to her or write her a letter telling her how I feel. I know one way or another, I need to.