health issues lead to writing issues

I know I said I was going to use this for my writing but when the mind is clouded it won’t let me be creative. Right now, my mind is preoccupied with my health problems. Granted they are minor compared to others problems but I have always been in pretty good health until recently. I just found out the reasons for all the pains in my abdomen and for the constant nausea. I have gallstones something that is normally not much of an issue but my doc is sending me to a surgeon which means I must have some pretty major gallstone problems. But that really isn’t worrying me. Its something else he mentioned during the conversation. He wants to do another ultrasound on my abdomenal. And now I can not spell. Great. This day just get better and better. The reason he wants to do another is he saw an abnormality with my arteries. That’s a bit worry some. I mean….A gallbladder and gallstone…no biggie. I don’t need a gallbladder. But what the heck is wrong with the arteries. Seriously, you don’t tell someone there’s something abnormal and then end the conversation. I want more answers, but I know I probably won’t get them anytime soon. Even if I make an appointment to discuss it he will tell me he’s just being precautious which translates to I want to cover my ass so you can’t sue me if I fuck up. I’m just emotional because I’m stuck inside with very little to do. I suppose I could do housework or something a bit more productive but I’m not. So, instead I keep stewing over this. I know it’s unhealthy. I should make myself get up and do yoga or anything that will help get my mind off of my own issues. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I’m worried about my mother which I should,’t because I should force her to stop acting like a child and take care of herself. Instead I am enabling her. I keep doing it because its easier than the guilt.

uninspired

I am supposed to be writing a novel but I am completely uninspired. Noteven a sentence will form. Nothing makes sense. I think I’ve been away from my writing for too long. I need to figure out a way to get back to it…..but how? This is my problem. I’m not sure how. I have reviewed my notes…..everything I have written prior seems like so long ago. The characters feel like strangers to me. I barely know them anymore. I need to reconnect with them somehow. I’m not quite sure how yet. This is something that I have been bouncing around my head for the past week or so. I should email Beth my advisor for some advice but I know she is working on a book herself and she’s not even in the state yet. She’s still in maine for a writing conference. So….I could ask another writing professor who could help. Or I could keep whining in my many blogs about how horrible things are with my writing. I have tried doing writing exercises though personally I think I should do these exercises everyday before doing my writing on the novel.

writer’s blog

I have decided to use this blog as my writing blog where I do writing exercises for my novel. I figured this will help me be more productive with my writing. I have been struggling lately with this novel and what better way to be more productive than to do writing exercises. This is where I’m going to place all of them. Here’s the first exercise:

I was always taught to never look down while walking by looking down implies there is something to be ashamed of or hiding from something.

That crooked smile, the left side of her upper lip would curve up higher than the right almost like Elvis’.

So much has changed since I was here last, yet everything is the same.

There’s a Wal-mart on Forth St where Pete’s Lumber used to be and down the road is a new strip mall with cell phone store, Dollar Tree, shoe store, Aldi’s, and a department store all these things are just a few of the changes that have happened since I left a year and half ago.

“What the hell Liz! You never want to go anywhere. You need to get out of this house,” Josh pleads with his wife sitting at the computer almost oblivious to him.

resentment

My parents are getting divorced. It wouldn’t be so bad, but my mother hasn’t worked for 15 years thus any job skills she used to have will not suffice now. She used to work as a nurse aide, the place she worked closed, she hasn’t worked since. Instead, she stayed home to take care of myself and my two younger brothers. Things did not improve because she was home, things slowly worsened, mom slipped into a depression. If I am honest with myself, I think she is still depressed today. I believe because of this I am a bit angry at my father for overlooking her condition. Instead, he kept pushing my mother off on me something that made me resent my mother for years. I didn’t stop resenting her until my father informed my mother of his affair, girlfriend, and wanting a divorce. At first, I didn’t blame him. The more I helped my mother, the more I realized he created the situation more so than she did. The only thing she did was stay home and be depressed. He was looking for a girlfriend when I was in high school and possibly before. Granted, my mother could have went back to work, instead she stayed in her depression and in the control of my father. I suppose now I am creating an resentment towards my father which is a surprise since I have always been “daddy’s little girl” This is a bit of change for me. I think it’s because I can see the small pieces from my childhood that created this mess. Nobody said or did anything. I could even see pieces as a teen, I did nothing but use it to my advantage to get what I wanted. At that time, I wanted my parents to get divorced. I hated my life….everything about it. I hated my parents because they were the adults but did nothing to improve the situation. Now, I understand a bit why my mother did nothing….she was scared. Scared of what my father would do. Scared that he would take everything, leaving her with nothing.

Scared of his return

I am very nervous and anxious about my husband coming home. I don’t know what to expect from him. How much has he changed? How much have I changed? I have been a single mom for a little over 10 months. We have routines and systems. How will he react to the boys? Will he be overly strict or criticize how lenient I am? Lately, I feel I have slacked a bit when it comes to discipline. I get tired and exhausted. I just don’t have the energy to correct them for every little thing they do. Later, I feel like a horrible mother because I didn’t bust on them. This is one reason why I can’t wait for Tim to come home. When these incidents arise, he can jump in and give me a break. We used to be partners in everything. (Though at times it didn’t feel that way.) If I was tired or he was the other would jump in and take care of the boys. I am really scared about his reactions to how me and the boys act now verses how we used to act before he left. That and I don’t clean the house as thoroughly as I used to. I’m scared he’ll gripe at me for it. I guess, I’m scared that he will be a grouchy jerk who goes to work and complains when he is home. He was like that with one of his past jobs. That attitude almost ended our marriage because I could not deal with the constant bitching and complaining.

Missed Lunch

Today has been very hectic. I have a standing lunch date with my friend, Mandy. Today was so hectic that I forgot to call her to tell her I was too swamped to leave the office. Instead, we ordered pizza. Poor Mandy had to spend her lunch break in my office. I feel so bad. The whole reason we go out for lunch is to get away from the campus and offices. It is also the time where we vent to each other about our co-workers or life itself. I cherish these lunches we have. I can talk about anything and vice versa without worrying about whether another person or co-worker will walk in and overhear the conversation.

Materialistic Neighbors

The holidays are supposed to full of fun, good-cheer, and kindness. And yet the majority of my friends and family are stressed out and crabby. Stressed about whether this person or that person will like what was bought for them. Or if their kids will get upset because the parents couldn’t afford to buy what the kids had asked for. Our society has become so materialistic and self centered. Even though now it is a few days after Christmas, I hear the neighborhood children bragging about what they received. Or worse, their parents bragging about what and how much was bought for the children. (I define bragging as stating what was received in a condescending manner.)

I have noticed the families which brag about the items received are also the families who normally have to watch their budgets. Is this a social class type of thing? Maybe they don’t realize that they are bragging. It could be that they don’t understand how petty it is to talk about what material things are given and received.